1. Doing a turnip imitation
2. Taking a worm count
3. Unscheduled Dismount
4. Non-synchronized performance art
5. Turf-surfing or dirt-diving
6. High-fiving a nightcrawler
7. Lunching at Ouch cafe
8. A quick trip to Dirtsville
9. Trolling for paramedics
10. Checking your girth...from the bottom
11. Pushing down daisies.
12. Dirt for dessert
13. Spending a little quality time with gravity
14. Joining Airborne Equitation International
15. Taking an impact nap
★ You snicker when someone's from Tiffin, because you think of the State Hospital.
★ You think all Pro football teams are supposed to wear orange!
★ You've heard of 3 - 2 beer.
★ Schools close for the state basketball tournament (deer season, too).
★ You're proud of your state fair, but would rather go to Cedar Point.
★ You know all the 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter, and Construction.
★ You live less than 30 miles from some college or university.
★ You know what a buckeye really is, and have a recipe for candy ones.
★ "Toward the lake" means "north" and "toward the river" means south."
★ You've heard of the Great Nickel Beer Night Riot.
★ You know if other Ohioians are from southern or Northern Ohio as soon as they open their mouths.
★ You root for a college team though you've never taken a class there.
★ You can spell words like Cuyahoga, Olentangy, Bellefontaine, and Tuscarawas, Wapakoneta and you know which letter is doubled in Cincinnati.
★ You always visit more than two amusement parks in one summer.
★ You know that Serpent Mounds were not made by snakes.
★ You know what game they're playing when the Mud Hens take on the Clippers.
★ "Vacation" means spending a day at Cedar Point or King's Island.
★ You measure distance in minutes.
★ Down south to you means Kentucky.
★ Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
★ Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
★ You've ridden the school bus for an hour each way
★ You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
★ You know what should be knee-high by the Fourth of July.
★ You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example:"Where's my coat at?"
★ You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
★ You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.
★ You carry jumper cables in your car.
★ You know what 'pop' is.
★ You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
★ Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
★ You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nighttime.
★ The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires 6 pages for sports.
★ You think that deer season is a national holiday.
★ You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
★ You actually get these jokes!
Horse Classifieds DEFINITIONS!
Event Prospect: Big, fast horse
Dressage Prospect: Big, slow horse
Pleasure Prospect: Pretty color
Sporting Prospect: Short, fast horse
Barrel Prospect: Fast horse which can turn
Endurance Prospect: Fast horse which will turn sometimes
Flashy: White sock
15'2" hh: 14'3" hh
16'2" hh: 15'3" hh
Big trot: Can't canter within a two-mile straightaway
Nicely Started: Longes, but we don't have enough insurance to ride him yet
Good Mover: Runaway
Quiet: Lame in both front legs
Dead Quiet: Lame in all four legs
Good in Traffic (Bombproof): Lame all around, deaf, and blind
Pony type: Small and hairy
Arab Type: Looks startled
Thoroughbred Type: Looks terrified
Quarter Horse Type: Fat
Easy to catch: Dead
Black: Brown and/or dirty
Well-Mannered: Hasn't stepped on, run over, bit, or kicked anyone for a week
Professionally Trained: Hasn't stepped on, run over, bit, or kicked anyone for a month
Clips, Hauls, Loads: Clippity Clippity is the sound his hooves make as he hauls butt across the parking lot when you try to load him.
Should Mature 16 hands: Currently 14 hands, dam is 14'2, sire is 14'3, every horse in his pedigree back 18 generations is under 15 hands, but this horse will defy his DNA and grow.
To Loving Home Only: Expensive
To Show Home Only: Very Expensive
To Good Home Only: Not really for sale unless you can 1) Pay twice what he is worth 2) are willing to sign a 10 page legal document allowing current owner to tuck in beddy-bye every night
For Sale Due to lack of Time: Rider cannot afford to spend any more time in the hospital
Any Vet Check Welcome: Please pay for us to find out what the !@#$ is wrong with him!
Recently Vetted: Someone else found something really wrong with this horse.
Must Sell: Wife has left home and taken kids
All Offers Considered: I am in traction for 6 months
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"
A 'C', an 'E-flat', and a 'G' go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.
After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.
A 'D' comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."
An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development."
This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.
Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.
The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.
On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.
The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest - and closes the bar.