I have not spoken much about Mark and the cancer, mainly because I have been living by the ostrich method of keeping my head in the sand and pretending everything is normal. It seems to work better for me that way. It's getting to the point where I really can't do that anynmore. We met today with the oncologist at the James OSU cancer center, mainly to discuss the after-effects of his clinical trial and where we go from here. Well, now we have heard it from both doctors that the end is definitely coming, the question is when. Eventually (and we were told that it is 100% a fact this will happen) the current chemo will stop working. We then will have to switch to a different chemo. Eventually that will also stop working. There is a new drug out for Mark's type of cancer that doubles the average life span from 6 months to 13 months, so that will be option #3. I guess in my head I was thinking this could all possibly cure him, or stabilize him to the point where we just go on as normal. It's hard to wrap my head around the idea that THIS is our new normal. I realize I am so blessed that Mark is doing so great with the chemo he is currently on. The tumors have shrunk slightly, and he has very few side effects that affect his quality of life (other than being tired and bad tasting food). I guess I just thought we could go on like this forever. I don't want to borrow trouble, but I know now that this will eventually stop working. Today might be the best day, who knows? Eventually it will start going downhill. All we can do is live as best we can, and do all the things, which we are. It is so hard to carry this in my head. It's a lonely place as few people really want to talk to me about it or listen to my stress. I never realized how alone this journey would be.

To change the topic to something better - I have been working Bacon on my own lately and as long as we do really short stints - like 5 minutes or so, she does great. So...that's what I am going to do. This heat (96 degrees) is a real struggle for her so I watch her closely. Yeah, I meant to say something positive in this paragraph, but right now the future all around looks a bit dim. It will be better tomorrow.

Dolphin and I went by ourselves to an agility trial in Cincinnati. Since I really didn't want to get up at 4am, we went last night and stayed the night in a hotel. It was a nice, relaxing evening. The trial today went well, Dolphin ran awesome. We had a nice Q and 2nd place in FAST, and a nice Q and 2nd place in Jumpers, and a beautiful standard run but knocked a bar. I was pretty proud of him in standard - there were three major off course traps that got nearly every single 20" and 24" dog, and he was one of only a small handful that didn't fall in the traps. Not sure why he knocked a bar, and unfortunately I don't have video to analyze to figure out why. Oh well...inching closer and closer to qualifying for the AKC National Agility championship. Only 52 more points to go!

I did a little training with Bacon yesterday, and it didn't take long before she really couldn't move faster than a walk. In looking at her, I can see that there is a little bit of fluid buildup on her abdomen. My heart is shattering because I know that fluid retention means the heart is failing. Today I called MedVet and made an appointment with the cardiologist for another echo and to see what our next steps will be. They were able to get me an appointment in 2 weeks. I feel so overwhelmed right now. I am trying to keep most of this to myself because I feel like my friends are tired of my depressing life journey. Hell, people, I am way more tired of it than you are! Guaranteed. I guess what is most difficult for me right now is that I look into the future and I see nothing. Well, that's not exactly true. I see loss. Loss is coming, in many ways, and it's hard to want to go forward knowing that things are just going to get worse a little bit every day. It's extra hard watching my friends live their lives, go on and be happy, and basically leave me behind. No one can really understand this journey. I guess we all have our different paths that we are forced to walk. Meanwhile I will smile and make the people around me happy.

Today started our dog show marathon - 2 days in Michigan, and then 2 days in Madison, Ohio. First up - Marshall, Michigan.

Both Dolphin and Bacon were entered. That meant that Mark had to be ready to show in case Bacon won Winners bitch. And....she did, both days! Mark took her back in the ring, and got Best of Winners both days, and even pulled off a Best of Opposite over a bitch special on Thursday! She earned two points each day, which meant that Friday she officially singled out.

Dolphin actually showed great both days. For some reason, he did not even get a look in best of breed on Thursday. I think this might possibly be the only time he has ever left the ring without a ribbon in conformation! He came back strong on Friday with a really nice Best of Breed win over 3 specials. It was a fun couple of days, although showing two dogs and dealing with dog switches and number changes in a split second outside the ring is kind of stressful. I thknk I am just out of practice!

Bacon is officially singled out, meaning she has all of her single points and now just needs her two majors. There are majors on Saturday and Sunday in Madison, Ohio, so we packed up Friday and hit the road 4+ hours across Ohio to Madison. Oh the things we do for dog shows...

It was a 4-point major at the Madison, Ohio show. I do love outdoor shows! Saturday was a bit toasty, but nothing is better than gaiting your big moving dogs on grass. Bacon was the only one entered this weekend, so Dolphin got to just hang out with us for a couple days (and he was pretty happy about that!). Bacon showed wonderful on Saturday. She ended up getting reserve Winners Bitch to the major...oh so close! She did win Best Puppy, and got to go on and compete in the puppy groups later on in the day. She was fantastic in the puppy sporting group, and ended up winning it! No love in best puppy, but I was happy at how her stamina held up even in the heat. Granted, it doesn't take a whole lot of effort for her to show conformation, but it was still nice to see her just as happy and bouncy at the end of the day as she was at the beginning.

We showed earlier in the morning on Sunday, and the weather was beautiful. Bacon showed her heart out, and we were sooooo close to winning the major when the judge pulled us and another dog out to compare. Unfortunately, she went reserve to the major yet again. However, she also won Best Puppy again, and also went on to win the puppy sporting group again! Again, we got no love in best puppy, but Bacon showed wonderfully. It's fun to show a dog who absolutely loves the show ring. She reminds me so much of Noodle, and has that same love for showing that Noodle still has.

So, we are on that eternal search for our majors, which is going to be a tough task. It's funny, I am a little spoiled with my previous 5 show dogs...all of them knocked out their majors pretty quickly so I was never stuck in that endless loop of entering shows, and then wasting money when it doesn't have enough entries for a major. I think that might be my path on this go-around. The best part about these 4 days is being able to share the moments with Mark. He loves the conformation shows so much, and we just don't know how many of these will be in his future. Being at the shows brings back so many memories of traveling with Mark and Pretzel nearly every weekend to shows (just take a look at my 2016 training diary!). I want to savor every moment, because I know these moments have an expiration date.