What is passion? It is surely the becoming of a person…In passion, the body and spirit seek expression…The more extreme and the more expressed that passion is, the more unbearable does life seem without it. It reminds us that if passion dies or is denied, we are partly dead and that soon, come what may, we will be wholly so.
—John Boorman, Film Director

What an awesome quote. I went back this morning and checked the ‘comments’ section of this blog. I am so bad, I always forget to check them periodically…and found some wonderful, uplifting comments left to me after Lazlo died. This quote came from a friend several states away. I read it over 3-4 times and really thought about what it said.

I guess, if I had a choice, I’d take the passion – the huge emotional times, good or bad – over a life of passionless, drab, even-keel existence.  I’ve had the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. I know of people who tend to live their lives in a monotone – never experiencing the true incredible joy of a huge goal reached or a major accomplishment achieved, but nor do they experience the devastating loss and heartbreak when things plummet. I don’t want to be like that. I have to accept the lows in order to truly enjoy the highs, because that is real living.

OK, so now I am ready for some great highs…come on, bring it on! I am due!!!!

Speaking of fairness, we will see just how fair and just my world really is tomorrow. Taylor gets checked for pregnancy tomorrow. I am fairly convinced she is not pregnant, based on my observations and my knowledge of my own bad luck. Wouldn’t it be more ‘fair’ if she was pregnant…giving me another chance? It would certainly help me in two areas – my pocketbook, and my feelings of hope (or the lack thereof). Would it be fair to take this away from me after the last two breeding disasters? We shall see…stay tuned.

I have on some really nice black pants today…they have 3 splashes of bleach near the bottom which look weird. I colored them with a permanent marker this morning and they looked pretty good, but by lunchtime the marker had faded to a brown color. Isn’t that surprising? I guess if I wear these pants from now on I will have to schedule times of the day to re-color the spots.

The next 2 weeks are really socked in at work…”crunch time” ! I need to make sure I get a good night’s sleep every night. Gah I sound so old and grandmotherly…what happened to the days when I could go on 4 hours of sleep for an entire week and still be productive?

One day at a time — this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone;
and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come.
Live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering.

Today is a beautiful day. I plan to keep it’s beauty and enjoy it…who knows how many of these days remain.

Today I finally started answering my phone again, and took the call from the vet in Kentucky who wanted to discuss Lazlo’s case. What is there left to say that hasn’t been already said?

I am forcing myself to look towards the future, because I am losing respect for myself the way I am wallowing in what shoulda-coulda-woulda been. Taylor quite possibly is pregnant again, though I highly doubt it. I called to make the appointment, and she gets checked next Thursday. I don’t think she is pregnant, so the big decision time comes. Do I just eat the stud fee, or do I spend more money, throw good money after bad, and try to breed again? I want another Lazlo, but that is impossible – she is booked to be bred to a different stallion, and anyways there can never be another Lazlo.  I waited so long for a boy to name that very special name…*sigh*

On a better note, the temperatures are supposed to be sunny and warm (70’s) all weekend. I will definitely be doing some horse therapy and letting Corky cheer me up. Knowing her, she’ll probably buck me off in front of everyone just for spite!

Life does go on. It’s weird, it just keeps trudging along and dragging me with it (kicking and screaming). I am getting better, so call off the mental police. I will survive (what a great song!).

Happiness belongs to the self-sufficient

Interesting thought…in order to be happy you must be self-sufficient and not dependent on anyone else. Hmmmm….. is that true? Can we live our lives like an island, counting and relying only on ourselves 100% of the time?

Along that line…in a different tangent:

Happiness comes when your work and words are of benefit to yourself and others.

Sooo…you have to be self-sufficient and independent, yet work to benefit and help others. Since you need others to benefit in order to make that statement true, in essence you are depending on them to be needy, so you aren’t truly self-sufficient, are you?

If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion

Man, that’s hard….

I am going to control the attitudes of the people around me. I did a little experiment today and ti seemed to work. I am going to see what kind of power I have in influencing those who are trapped with me.

Normally I scoff at these thoughts as they are far far far into the distant future, but now I find my distant future isn’t so distant anymore and it is looming closer and closer every year.  Wow…depressing thoughts! Now that we are all doom, gloom, and suicidal……have a nice day!

Never give out while there is hope; but hope not beyond reason, for that shows more desire than judgment

I have high hopes for this upcoming show season, but I don’t think they are unreasonable. I hope that I am successful and things fall into place, but I do not truly believe that everything will be great and hunky-dorey. I do believe that I will bust my butt to make my hopes fulfilled, what more can I do? Do what you can, and let the chips fall where they may…and get some great photographs along the way :-]

Tomorrow: Junior High solo and ensemble contest. Sunday: leaving with the marching band for Florida until Friday. Sny day now: Taylor will give birth. So much to think about, so much to plan for, so many lists to make and execute. Argh! It’s taxing my meager organizational skills!

This morning I am putting off dealing with unpleasant tasks. I am working on an empty stomach…in frustration I have given up eating anything in the mornings until my lunch of pretzels. I’ve got to do something! No caffeine after 8pm, no breakfast, no snacking (for the most part LOL!). It’s killing me!