6.13 acres only a block for the barn where my horses are at. It was at an affordable price, on a quiet country road, and Kevin and I loved it.

REALITY CHECK

OK, so it wasn’t the perfect property. It had potential. Unfortunately, I don’t have potential. I have none. My salary is my salary and it is what it is. I think I was destined to get a college degree and become poor white trash. OK, that’s a slight exaggeration, but you know what I mean. I guess I can’t afford my half, I could afford it but would I ever be able to afford to do anything with it? It’s depressing to think that I am where I am and that’s where I am staying.

In some areas of my life, I do very well. I have two high quality horses that others would kill to own. I board at a wonderful place owned by a great friend, I have a great horse trailer with awesome LQs (built by my dad who totally rocks), I have a 14 year old truck with ZERO luxuries but is completrely reliable and runs great. I live in a house that as of last month is paid for. Things are really OK with me, as long as I don’t try living outside my means and being more than what I was destined to be. This is my life…it is what it is.

I am buying a lottery ticket tomorrow. Things could change dramatically for only $1.00. Hey…gotta dream, right?

I thin it is cold and rainy again outside. I am not sure. I don’t have windows (have I mentioned that at least 1,000 times already?). All I know is that it is May and I am sitting in a hooded sweatshirt and I am shivering because the foolish people at this place insist on turning the a/c on and freexing us out…even though it is only around 60 degrees outside. What a waste. Yeah… and they can’t afford salary raises for the teachers….(*insert another big eye-rolling right here*).

Now, on to other things. Time to start getting serious about the show seasn (as if I haven’t already been serious about it my whole life!). Time to focus on marching band. Time to say a nightly prayer that Taylor gets pregnant on the only try left I ahve this year. Oh yeah, need to plant another money tree because mine done died.

Today’s curse would also be if for some weird reason school got cancelled (which I doubt since it seems the fog has lifted). I would have a disaster on my hands for tonight, plus we would have to make this day up in June…YUCK!

Yup…never satisfied!

1. An envelope from AQHA. I opened it and lo’ and behold, it was a refund check for $165 for my registration fees for lazlo. I never ever thought I’d see a penny back from that. They had already reserved his name, and he actually had a registration number assigned. It made me choke up.
2. An envelope from the vet in Kentucky…a lovely $600 bill for his crappy, ill-timed attempts at breeding Taylor (dude, if a horse is STILL in heat, that means she ain’t ovulated yet!) and his terrible weak treatment of Lazlo (incidentally I have heard now from several vets who are appalled at the weak antibiotics that were given to him…he never had a chance!). \
3. An envelope from the OSU Vet Hospital. I dreaded opening it…I think I will faint if it is another bill. Instead it was a sympathy card signed by all of the vet students, technicians, and doctors that worked on lazlo. Each one took the time to write a line or two. That was SO thoughtful. Yes, I cried again. And again later that night, talking to a friend about all of this.

Today is sunny, 70, and I get to spend the day outside instead of teaching inside. I will heal myself in the glorious warmth of the sun, and think of all the good things I have going on in my life!

Speaking of fairness, we will see just how fair and just my world really is tomorrow. Taylor gets checked for pregnancy tomorrow. I am fairly convinced she is not pregnant, based on my observations and my knowledge of my own bad luck. Wouldn’t it be more ‘fair’ if she was pregnant…giving me another chance? It would certainly help me in two areas – my pocketbook, and my feelings of hope (or the lack thereof). Would it be fair to take this away from me after the last two breeding disasters? We shall see…stay tuned.

I have on some really nice black pants today…they have 3 splashes of bleach near the bottom which look weird. I colored them with a permanent marker this morning and they looked pretty good, but by lunchtime the marker had faded to a brown color. Isn’t that surprising? I guess if I wear these pants from now on I will have to schedule times of the day to re-color the spots.

The next 2 weeks are really socked in at work…”crunch time” ! I need to make sure I get a good night’s sleep every night. Gah I sound so old and grandmotherly…what happened to the days when I could go on 4 hours of sleep for an entire week and still be productive?

Today I finally started answering my phone again, and took the call from the vet in Kentucky who wanted to discuss Lazlo’s case. What is there left to say that hasn’t been already said?

I am forcing myself to look towards the future, because I am losing respect for myself the way I am wallowing in what shoulda-coulda-woulda been. Taylor quite possibly is pregnant again, though I highly doubt it. I called to make the appointment, and she gets checked next Thursday. I don’t think she is pregnant, so the big decision time comes. Do I just eat the stud fee, or do I spend more money, throw good money after bad, and try to breed again? I want another Lazlo, but that is impossible – she is booked to be bred to a different stallion, and anyways there can never be another Lazlo.  I waited so long for a boy to name that very special name…*sigh*

On a better note, the temperatures are supposed to be sunny and warm (70’s) all weekend. I will definitely be doing some horse therapy and letting Corky cheer me up. Knowing her, she’ll probably buck me off in front of everyone just for spite!

Life does go on. It’s weird, it just keeps trudging along and dragging me with it (kicking and screaming). I am getting better, so call off the mental police. I will survive (what a great song!).

I feel angry today. Taylor is depressed. Corky does her best to comfort her. It’s amazing to watch those two communicate. We are like a family of three struggling to move on together.

I am working hard not to lose my faith. It’s a lot easier to blame God and get mad. It doesn’t accomplish much, though.

I am amazed at the large amount of support and good thoughts from people. I never realized so many people cared. It does make me feel a lot better.

Lazlo and me, when our future was exciting.

Lazlo, my very last photo of him alive.

What totally bites is that this is really crappy hay, but I am stuck with it ($220 later).

My back hurts horribly bad. My neck hurts. I have bruises on the tops of my legs from swinging the bales against them. My hands are raw (yes I wore gloves).  All in all that isn’t so unusual from stacking hay. It just hurts more when you have to go at it alone, and you know that everyone else in the universe has people that will help.

Ok, pity party over. I spent most of the evening feeling very sorry for myself. Now I am OK, glad it’s done, and hoping and praying my back is OK in the morning.