janhare.com Blog » General Rants

Yesterday’s Blessing, Today’s Curse

CoolRabbit — Thu, 07 May 2009 12:23:53 +0000

This morning we have a 2 hour delay for fog. Normally this would be an occasion of JOY! Who doesn’t love a surprise fog delay? Ugh…NOT on the day of my big spring concert, when I have a zillion rehearsals to run, the program hasn’t even been printed yet, and I have a million of little details to take care of. Why couldn’t this delay happen tomorrow? That would be a true blessing! Oh well, you know me, never really satisfied with the good stuff.

Today’s curse would also be if for some weird reason school got cancelled (which I doubt since it seems the fog has lifted). I would have a disaster on my hands for tonight, plus we would have to make this day up in June…YUCK!

Yup…never satisfied!

Hopeless, not hopegone

CoolRabbit — Fri, 01 May 2009 01:23:36 +0000

OK, this is a personal pep talk to myself. You can leave if you’d like.

Yeah, I get it. Taylor is not pregnant. Once again fate has spit in your eye. It’s been 5 years since you had a living, healthy foal past 30 days. You work your butt off only to have people who don’t give a damn or work half as hard end up with success that YOU deserve.

Get over it.

Screw fate.

Get up and try again.

Coping

CoolRabbit — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 16:00:36 +0000

I am trying very hard to hold it all together today. I am not letting myself think at all. It’s so hard. I am so down, I really have no energy nor any will to do anything. I am angry – angry at God, at life, at everyone else who puts HALF the amount of effort and work into their things but have twice the success. I am angry at the unfairness of it all, and am wondering when I am going to get a break – when is it going to be MY turn? I thought 2009 was supposed to be MY year? What have I done to deserve this? Why do I even bother? Why even try to be a good person? The rotten people have all the luck and all the breaks. There just isn’t any point anymore.

Lazlo and me, when our future was exciting.

Lazlo, my very last photo of him alive.

Real Life

CoolRabbit — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 16:17:24 +0000

Don’t you think real life would be better served…um…in real life? I mean, reading personal blogs in your spare time is amusing and entertaining for the most part, but it only gives a snippet of information based on the 90 seconds it took to type it out at any given moment. Maybe, just maybe, if you want to know how someone is doing, you actually speak to them in person, and ask them? Hell, even pick up the phone and call to chat! It’s pure laziness to ignore reality and just read sporadic stuff spewed in a blog like this one and take it without bothering to communicate or talk in real life. Just a thought.This blog is just a mishmash of things that pop into my head at a specific moment when I happen to be sitting at the computer with a free moment. It does not in any way describe nor depict my life as a whole…got it? If you are interested, then talk. Otherwise, go surf on some other inane website…there are plenty of them out there.

Breakdown in the hay

CoolRabbit — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 01:40:50 +0000

I picked up 40 bales of really crappy alfalfa today. I drove 30mph to the barn (yes…40 of the 80-pound bales were balanced in the back of my truck!), parked in the driveway, and wheelbarrowed 2 bales at a time down the drive, through the mud corral, across the arena, to my stalls…where i stacked them. Two by two…all by myself. This leads to the question WHY? Why was a 41 year old woman unloading over 3200 pounds of hay by herself? Answer: Because I had no choice. Unfortunately, I have to do these things alone. It sucks, let me tell you. About halfway through the unloading, I had a complete mental breakdown and started bawling like an idiot. I finished by myself (with hay chaffe in my nose and eyes…ugh). The thing is – I did get it done…all alone. Never again will I count on anyone else, time to face facts about reality. Next time I will pay someone to help me.

What totally bites is that this is really crappy hay, but I am stuck with it ($220 later).

My back hurts horribly bad. My neck hurts. I have bruises on the tops of my legs from swinging the bales against them. My hands are raw (yes I wore gloves). All in all that isn’t so unusual from stacking hay. It just hurts more when you have to go at it alone, and you know that everyone else in the universe has people that will help.

Ok, pity party over. I spent most of the evening feeling very sorry for myself. Now I am OK, glad it’s done, and hoping and praying my back is OK in the morning.

Frustration Thursday Episode 2

CoolRabbit — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 13:00:22 +0000

I swear…some poeple make me want to like on a small island in the Caribbean. I am just so frustrated with unreasonable people that cannot see beyond their own desires, greed, and self-importance. I dragged my feet coming to work today, and I most likely will drag my feet coming to work again tomorrow. TGIF tomorrow! I wonder sometimes if all this work I put into my job is really worth it. Is it? I agonize and stress over details that everyone else takes for granted, assumes I will take care of everything and cater to everyone’s wishes. I think I would fall over in a faint if I ever got a genuine “thank you” from someone…I mean a REAL one, not one tacked on 5 minutes after thanking an entire list of people…then oops! remembering me.

Days like today make me wonder if I’d get more satisfaction and less stress working in a factory somewhere, doing a mindless, brainless task that didn’t require me to have any human interaction. Then I remember the news I got yesterday, that two of my students were accepted into a premier college of music for next year…students that i have taught the past 8 years…and I feel like maybe (just maybe) I have accomplished a little something in that area. It sure is frustrating…

Just a reminder photo of WIWF! (what I work for). Some small areas of my life have given me satisfaction and rewards for hard work, so it’s not all bad.

Perfection…or the lack therof

CoolRabbit — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 14:16:24 +0000

People who think they are perfect really irk me. I mean, come ON, nobody is perfect. NO ONE. You are a complete blooming idiot if you think you are blameless, flawless, or without the need to ever apologize. I am at the point in my life now where I just skim over those self-convinced “perfect” people. You know, it’s SO easy to stand there and claim perfection, be blameless in every way, and 100% self-righteous. People like that repeat the same mistakes over and over again in their lives, because they NEVER learn. In order to learn and grow, you actually have to admit that you have areas that need improvement and growth. Otherwise, you live your life like Groundhog Day – the same dumb mistakes over and over and over again…and you blame everyone else for your own shortcomings.

Whatever!

Taylor is safe at the breeding farm ready to foal! OK, she isn’t due for another month and a half, but it’s time to get excited! I miss having her around (I think Corky misses her also). I can’t believe when she does return home, it will be with a beautiful, long-awaited foal that will be kind of like my grandchild…weird.

Saturday is Valentine’s Day. Oh boy. I am not sure if I am Valentine-ready or Valentine-worthy. All I know is that I am just stumble-bumbling through life trying to hold on to some shred of my sanity.

You know, I hit another period of insomnia. I haven’t had a full night’s sleep all week. I lay in bed and my mind races with all the things in my life. I feel a panic set in as I try to solve every one of my life’s problems before sleeping. Ain’t gonna happen! I have had weird dreams in the short periods I do sleep – lots of death, neglect, and little issues blown way out of proportion. I wish my mind had an on-off switch, or a plug I could disconnect, or even a reset button. That would be cool….

Mye Skedyul Suxs

CoolRabbit — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 03:44:03 +0000

Gah! It’s 10:30pm and I just finihed supper. You heard it right – supper. What a long day. I was at school – my usual hours of 7:30am-3, then I had marching band 3-4, then I rushed to the barn and got ONE stall cleaned (poor Taylor will have to wait another day to have a clean bed) and rushed back to sit at school for conferences 5-9pm. Nope, I have never, in 19 years of teaching, ever had a conference. Instead I spent those 4 hours rehearsing solos and ensembles. That’s hard work! I was home by 9:45, popped open the double can of ravioli and fired up the microwave, yum.

Tomorrow I get to go back to school at 8am for another day of NO conferences (but plenty of solo and ensemble practices), plus a fun and exciting teachers’ meeting at 2pm (shceduled deliberately by the hate gods to force me to cancel my lesson I had been looking forward to all week). then I will be off to the barn at 4pm to clean stalls yet again, and ride Corky (who hasn’t been ridden in almost a week). Oh yeah, and in case you were thinking I had a day of on Friday, thin again. Nope – we have another football playoff game, so Jan gets to work yet another 6-8 hours overtime for NO pay. Oh, but I should be honored, right?

Yes, in case you were wondering, I am crabby.

I am skeptical, crabby, exhausted, bloated, ugly, and pretty depressed. Other than that, it’s all cool!

Let me survive Friday night’s freezing temps, then Saturday I will ride my lesson (yes!!!) and the hopefully get to see sexy Daniel Craig in the new James Bond. Whoda thunk I’d become a James Bond fan? Just goes to show…I tend to break out of every box I put myself in.

I am not commenting on any other sector of my life. I am taking a wait and see attitude, because I need to protect myself.

D – D – D – - Defense!

CoolRabbit — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 17:27:49 +0000

Living my life is like walking blindly through a minefield. You step carefully, lightly, and thoughtfully, and yet still land on one that blows up unsuspectingly in your face. Eventually I am just going to stop walking and stand stock-still for the rest of my days. Either that or just take a suicide-bent run and throw it all away. I have given up defending myself. Oh yeah, bullcrap. I haven’t given up defending myself! If I don’t do it, who will? Nobody, that’s who. Even though it ends up being more trouble than it’s worth, I have to do it. I have no choice. I do need to keep a shred of self-respect.

I am fairly annoyed today. I have been holding it in. The top’s gonna blow soon, so take cover!

70 Miles x 2…wasted

CoolRabbit — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 02:30:20 +0000

That’s 3 hours of my life gone that i cannot get back. Bruce OWES me 3 hours. I ought to take it out of his stinky hide. THANKS to everyone who bothered to call and let me know that freaking jazz rehearsal had been CANCELLED tonight. Naw, I wanted to waste 3 hours and $80 in gas to drive to Dayton for NO REASON. Jerks.

What an unproductive evening. I am going to bed now.